I think it is time to get back in the grove.. my head needs cleaning out and a lot of it.

I just want to be with her.
I love her so much.
But I honestly have no idea what the hell just happened tonight.
Happy to distantly loving in no time at all...

I sat on my ass and did some yard work today...
wtf did I do(or not do)...

When you realize that you have nothing in common with all of the people you know; you realize that you have no one that you can relate to, no one to share ideas with that can appreciate them. You realize that what you don’t have are “true friends.” I’ve lived my entire life on the back burner searching for things that could truly make me happy; however, I have only found things that could suppress my depressing reality long enough for me to get bored with things then mess everything up and land back at square one. In my life I have fallen in love, won championships, gotten A’s in school, made beautiful works of art: I’ve also walked the line of failure, lied, cheated, stolen, and done far too many things that I regret.
My life has revolved around my hopeless romantic search for love, a peaceful escape from stress with someone that can comfort me solely with their presence. But, as events unfold and each day goes by, I am entirely unsure whether that fantasy will ever become a truth, if someone could ever love, unconditionally, a reclusive intellectual who chooses to pursue a career that could only ever keep him financially content. He chooses a career path that will lead him to long grueling days in an office crunching numbers and making models while everyone around him knows that he would probably be much better off feeding his creativity in one outlet or another much less drowning himself in math and science, theories and design after design. The currents of society mandated him to achieve academic prowess with grades, when the knowledge itself is more than enough to suffice. It seems as if he is required to get a degree in a field and then suck it up and find a job within that field and bring home the bacon for a family that he might never have.
It is the sad truth of society, the sad truth of the modern world in which religion has become obsolete because any half brained homosapien can understand that if there truly was a God that he wouldn’t want us locking ourselves into a room 9-5 to scrap together enough money to feed, cloth, and shelter himself let alone his family. But even as all these thoughts run through his head as he vents into Microsoft Word 2007, in all of its glitch glory, he slowly winds down, blood pressure lowering. It seems as if nothing truly matters, especially as he sits alone on a dirty couch in a shithole of a dorm room in a building that was visibly built too fast enjoying all the songs he use to sing… into the ear of the one who never wanted to hear…



…. I need to get some friends, or at least a job

Just a rant that I decided to type out yesterday, too many stressful things occuring at the same time...

It is when you finally discover that you are at your absolute worst that you fear the future the most. No matter what current condition you are under, no matter what lies in your immediate future; it all seems to dissociate in front of you and the only thing within your focus is the thing you wish you could forget. It is just one tragedy of our ever so faithful psyche. Our mind will pin-point the thing that you believe you want most and override everything other thought and every event passes by as if it were a blur. You essentially cannot exist without some image of the future that may never unfold. In times like these existentialist writings are proved to take hold the quickest, but nihilist tales eventually overwrite them as well. You need to fight for what you believe in no matter what the cost. Every last struggle, every endeavor tests your will along the way. But, when you fall flat on your face day after day, you have no idea how you will come out in the end. Cruel and punishing, or begging for forgiveness from a whimsical being; but, never from the one who can truly give you back your life, your vision, your heart. Some people could never muster up the courage to seek such a turn of events. Those are the ones who have nothing left, nothing remaining to search for, nothing remaining to yearn for. They have had themselves stripped of their being, soul, and spirit. When you've hidden from everyone and everything your entire life, but have only opened the door to one person in hopes of retaining some hope and desire; you have no idea what you could do to yourself if you were to burn the ties of the raft that is your relationship as it hurtles through the turbulent rapids of fate. You crush everything you've worked for and everything that could have been along the shores. Yet as the old saying goes,"You never know what you have, until you do not have it anymore.